Grief and Gender: Can Men Cry?

There are two certainties in life: death and taxes. But what about grief? Is grieving as universal as death itself?

Grief is a natural response to significant loss. Since most people will experience multiple losses in their lifetime, it seems reasonable to assume that everyone grieves. Yet from a cultural perspective, this assumption becomes more complex.

In his talk “Four Ways of Letting Go,” Ajahn Brahm recounts his time living in a remote village in Northeast Thailand, an area largely untouched by Western influence. During his nine years there, he observed a consistent funeral ritual: the deceased were cremated at the village cremation grounds. What struck him most was not the ritual itself, but the absence of overt emotional expression. Villagers did not cry or display visible sadness, whether they were men or women.

This observation challenges the Western assumption that grief must be visibly emotional. Culture profoundly shapes how people express or do not express their grief.

In Grief Beyond Gender, Kenneth Doka and Terry Martin describe two primary grieving styles: intuitive and instrumental. Intuitive grief is emotion-focused. Instrumental grief, by contrast, is more cognitive and action-oriented.

Doka and Martin noted research proclaiming Western culture tends to privilege the affective style, placing higher value on visible emotional expression. This cultural bias can unintentionally marginalize individuals and cultural groups whose grieving styles are more instrumental. When grief is measured primarily by tears, those who grieve quietly or practically may be misunderstood as detached or unfeeling.

This brings us to the question: Can men cry?

Men are often socialized to be strong, stoic, and self-contained. As a result, many learn to internalize pain or focus on practical responsibilities in times of loss. However, this does not mean there is a single “male way” to grieve. Grieving styles are shaped by family upbringing, social norms, culture, and personal temperament.

In researching this topic, I encountered diverse reflections from men about how they were raised regarding emotional expression. Some were given complete freedom to cry and express vulnerability. Others were explicitly discouraged from crying and taught that emotional restraint was a sign of strength. These varied experiences reinforce Doka and Martin’s central point: grieving styles may be related to gender, but they are not determined by gender.

Ultimately, grief is universal, but its expression is not. Whether through tears, silence, action, reflection, or ritual, people find their own ways. The question is not whether men can cry. It is whether we, as a society, allow space for every style of grieving to be recognized as valid.